Moving On, Accepting Reality
What hurts more than anything is that I thought it was real. For a while, I would wake up feeling like I had found a purpose in life. Little did I know that as I grew and understood more fully that I would finally have to accept the hard reality. Painfully, I’ve learned to guard my heart and to think for myself. I gave everything, all I had, in more ways than I can count. All I can say now is I’m tired of trying to be perfect, to fit in or to impress. I’m done.
For a while, I've been wanting to put into words how I've been feeling. I’ve had so many emotions pent up, and it’s been driving me up the wall. Confrontation isn’t a great option because I know what will happen based on what others have experienced in the past. Being called idiotic or stupid doesn’t for not doing what’s expected or for not being as bright as I should be doesn’t build much confidence or trust in me. Anxiety builds up inside anytime I have an interaction, feeling like all the warmth from my body is flushed out, and I am left feeling cold and defenseless often for hours. I knew I had to let all of my frustration out finally. Being an artistic help and I can draw out my feelings, to find a non-verbal expressive outlet, but I knew that I would need to write it out to heal.
“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It won't happen automatically. You will have to rise and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.” ― Joel Osteen
Do I have regrets? Resent the experiences or memories? Not for one second. Why? I’ve grown so much more than I feel I would have given any other life. Steve Maraboli said, “Letting go means to realize that some things are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” I’ve come to the reality that I need to let go of what I’ve become accustomed to and wipe the slate clean because what was there isn’t giving me hope. Having my world crumble around me with nothing but memories and lessons learned has been one of scariest things I’ve gone through.
I’m done putting on a face to show the world that everything’s okay because it’s not okay. I am not the only one going through this. I thought that if I could keep things even remotely consistent that I could be happy and given time things would work out. But what’s been done is done. Everything has been already thought through, and there would be no budging or changing of minds, merely a cold shoulder and a patronizing sentiment.
“The more you talk about it, rehash it, rethink it, cross-analyze it, debate it, respond to it, get paranoid about it, compete with it, complain about it, immortalize it, cry over it, kick it, defame it, stalk it, gossip about it, pray over it, put it down or dissect its motives it continues to rot in your brain. It is dead. It is over. It is gone. It is done. It is time to bury it because it is smelling up your life and no one wants to be near your rotted corpse of memories and decaying attitude. Be the funeral director of your life and bury that thing!” ― Shannon L. Alder